But How Are You Really?
Reflecting on nearly a year and a half of licensed practice I have come to realize that I do not have as good a poker face as I thought. I’ve found myself on the receiving end of the ‘.. but how are you really?’ question from multiple people in my life that are close to me. Sure, I’ve let people know that my sleep is not great and yeah I haven’t been hanging out as much. I know I’ve been working a ton in order to get firmly established in my career. All normal. Sure, my friends and partner have called me out for not being the best at handling stress but who is? I’ve found myself thinking ‘I have it together enough to where I don’t need to be too concerned about my self care slipping’ or ‘Yeah I’m a little stressed but who isn’t in the mental health field’. All normal.
It wasn’t until my own therapist pointed out compulsive behaviors I was exhibiting due to my anxiety that I realized I may have some things that needed my attention. What really drove home that I had some serious work to do was when my partner made the off handed comment one night that he ‘doesn’t see me laugh much anymore’.
As someone who tends to get very wrapped up in projects, is generally in an anxious state, and is very passionate about the work I do, I'll admit that I struggle to be mindful of when my plate is overflowing. Many of my clients face a struggle with work-life balance among other things; what good is it if they have a therapist that isn’t willing to slow down but recommends that they take time to be mindful and slow?
It genuinely broke my heart to hear my partner say that they have seen me lose joy as a result of my tunnel vision. As I have worked to better manage my anxiety I have come to realize that much of that consists of restructuring my work day and taking the time to be curious. Why am I so tough on myself if I don’t have the most productive day? Why do I feel compelled to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders? How do I expect to affect change if I am not practicing the things I value?
Healing consists of being honest with myself. Yes I am someone who helps others manage their mental health struggles AND I still have a lot of work to do on my own. That does not make me a failure, a bad person, or a bad therapist. I am also not absolved of the work I need to do on myself because I’ve written a blog post about it.
This work will consist of me going to therapy, being honest with myself, making an effort to connect with others and myself, prioritizing my self care, rest, and self compassion. All easier said than done but I know how the work pays off.
Thank you if you’ve made it this far. Don’t forget to ask yourself how you’re really doing.
